I would like to describe

[anna.kuzdra]

I would like to describe the simplest emotion

joy or sadness

but not the way others do

reaching for rays of rain or sun



I would like to describe the light

which is being born inside me

but I know that it does not resemble

any star

because it is not so bright

not so pure

and uncertain



I would like to describe bravery

not pulling a dusty lion behind me

as well as anxiety

not shaking a glass full of water



in other words

I would give all the metaphors

for a one word

drawn out of my breast like a rib

for a one word

which is comprised

within the borders of my skin



but apparently this is not possible



and to say – I love

I am running like a madman

picking armfuls of flowers

and my tenderness

which after all is not made of water

asks water for a face


and anger different from fire

borrows from it

a loquacious tongue



so is mixed up

so is mixed up

within me

what the grey-haired men

separated once and for all

and said

this is a subject

and this is an object



we are falling asleep

with one hand under a head

and the other in the mound of planets



and feet leave us

and taste the earth

with small roots

which we tear out painfully

the next morning

[blueberrygood]

Witam!

Oto moje uwagi:

because it is not so bright
not so pure

...not as bright
not as pure

for a one word

for one word

picking armfuls of flowers

Nie wiem czy tu jest dobrze. W oryginale jest zrywając naręcza ptaków, i naręcza ptaków zostało przetłumaczone jako armfuls of flowers...

which after all is not made of water

which is not made of water after all

so is mixed up

Niezgrabne to. Może so much is mixed up albo it's so mixed up.

with one hand under a head

bez a.

and feet leave us and taste the earth

and feet leave us to taste the earth

Poza tymi uwagami, to muszę powiedzieć, że podoba mi się jako całość :)

Pozdrawiam!

[dorota]

Mnie się to tłumaczenie podoba. Mam uwagę, szkoda, że nie umieściłaś tekstu oryginału, lepiej byłoby wtedy skonfrontować tłumaczenie i powiedzieć, że jest na pewno dobre ;)
Pozdrawiam

[Michał Nycz]

witam,

Oryginał (http://tinyurl.com/2mybrc)

[Klempicz]

Właściwie ta sama uwaga co w innym wątku w tym temacie - http://forum.mlingua.pl/showthread.php?p=686#post686

Pozdrawiam!