View Full Version : Żarty w języku angielskim

11-24-2011, 00:05
Zawsze fascynowały mnie żarty, które da się zrozumieć jedynie w języku angielskim tzn. zabawy językiem, które tracą na znaczeniu kiedy tylko się je tłumaczy. Znacie takie?
Dla przykładu podam jeden taki żart. ( wiem, jest mało śmieszny, ale chodzi o ideę)

What is the longest word in the English language?

"Smiles". Because there is a mile between its first and last letters!

11-25-2011, 12:23
What do sea monsters eat?
- Fish and ships! :)

12-18-2011, 17:17
Usłyszane w South Parku:

Your mother is so poor she can't even pay attention !

:D :D :D

12-18-2011, 17:38
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

12-18-2011, 17:51
Usłyszane w South Parku:

Your mother is so poor she can't even pay attention !

:D :D :D

South Park jest rewelacyjny!! :D

12-18-2011, 18:06
Kolejny interesujący językowo żart to:

Why is the number 10 afraid of seven?
Because seven ate nine, and 10 is next.

12-18-2011, 19:32
Officer: You were speeding.
Man: No, I wasn't.
Officer: Yes, you were. I'm giving you a ticket.
Man: But I wasn't speeding.
Officer: Tell that to the judge! (The officer gives man the ticket.)
Man: Would I get another ticket if I called you a jerk?
Officer: Yes, you would.
Man: What if I just thought that you were?
Officer: I can't give you a ticket for what you think.
Man: Fine, I think you're a jerk!

A man is talking to God.

The man: "God, how long is a million years?"
God: "To me, it's about a minute."
The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God: "To me it's a penny."
The man: "God, may I have a penny?"
God: "Wait a minute."

Why couldn't Cinderella be a good soccer player?

She lost her shoe, she ran away from the ball, and her coach was a pumpkin.

12-19-2011, 11:06
How many letters are in the english alphabet?
24 because E.T. went home.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

12-19-2011, 11:30
Polecam stronkę z autocorrect mishaps ;)

http://damnyouautocorrect.com/ :D

12-19-2011, 11:32
Did you hear about the man who was convicted of stealing luggage from the airport?
- He asked for twenty other cases to be taken into account.

What did Anne Boleyn's mother say when her daughter said that she had fallen in love with Henry the VIII and was going to marry him?
- That man's not worth losing your head over. ;)

12-19-2011, 11:35
Who (Hu Jintao) Is the President of China
SCENE: The Oval Office. George Bush and Condolezza Rice.

George: Condi! Nice to see you! What’s happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Let’s hear it.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That’s what I want to know.
Condi: That’s what I’m telling you.
George: That’s what I’m asking you! Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow’s name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu!
George: The Chinese?
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya?asking me for?
Condi: I’m telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well,I’m asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That’s the man’s name.
George: That’s whose name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes sir.
George: Yassir? You mean arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That’s correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China.
Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone. I bet he knows.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don`t want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. and then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: Call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N.?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: and stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N!
Condi: Kofi?
George: all right! Light with sugar. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice here.
George: Rice? Good idea. and a couple of egg rolls, too.

12-20-2011, 09:33
In the morning John is getting up and walking up to the window. His mum is asking him :
- What's the weather like today?
- I don't know. It's so heavy rain that I can't see anything. - the boy answers.

12-21-2011, 23:46
Właściwie to z filmiku, ale tak jakoś mi się przypomniało :)
(Niemcy mają tendencję wymawiania 's' zamiast 'θ')

British ship is sinking near the German coast:
- Mayday, mayday. Hello, can you hear us? Can you hear us? We are sinking, we are sinking.
- hello, this is a German coast-guard
- we are sinking! we're sinking!
- yyy what are you thinking about?


12-29-2011, 19:00
A pie walks into a bar and asks the bar owner if he can have a pint of beer and a packet of crisps. The bar owner replies and says, sorry we don't serve food.


12-29-2011, 22:42
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender takes one look at it and asks: "So, why the long face?"

12-29-2011, 22:48
Związane z ostatnimi wydarzeniami w Korei Płn:

- Kim Dzong is dead.
- Dead? I didn't even know he was Il.

12-30-2011, 17:44
Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head?
Because from a distance they looked like hares!

12-30-2011, 17:55
Who (Hu Jintao) Is the President of China
SCENE: The Oval Office. George Bush and Condolezza Rice.

świetny!!! ;) dzięki za podzielenie się nim :D

12-30-2011, 20:03
Why is English beer like sex in the canal?
Because it's fucking close to water.

01-02-2012, 14:49
Your mother is so poor she can't even pay attention !

A propos Yo mama so poor:

Yo mama so poor when she goes to KFC, she has to lick other people's fingers!

Yo mama so poor when I ring the doorbell she says,"DING!"

Yo mama so poor your family ate cereal with a fork to save milk.


01-02-2012, 18:10
Usłyszane w South Parku:

Your mother is so poor she can't even pay attention !

:D :D :D

Hahahaha dobre!

01-02-2012, 19:02
Why did the science teacher marry the school cleaner?

Because she swept him off his feet.

01-02-2012, 20:40
Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.

One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"

Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."

His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."

A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"

With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."

The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"

Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."

01-03-2012, 00:58
Whilst sitting down for breakfast a woman says to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day it is today."

The husband replies, "Of course I do darling. How could I ever forget?"

The husband leaves for work and later that morning a dozen red roses are delivered. In the afternoon a huge box of chocolates arrive at the door followed by a beautiful evening dress. When he arrives back home the husband gives his wife a beautiful pearl necklace.

His wife throws her arms around him and gives him a huge kiss, exclaiming, "I've never had such a wonderful Halloween in my whole life!"

01-15-2012, 22:08
Prawdziwy killer wśród dowcipów:

- My dog has no nose.
- How does he smell?
- Terrible

by Monty Python, of course ;)

01-15-2012, 22:13
A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to his senses, he motioned for her to come near him.

As she sat by him, he said, `You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?`

`What, my dear?` she asked gently.

`You`re a goddamn jinx!`

01-16-2012, 01:07
Two peanuts walked into a bar, and one was a salted:)

01-16-2012, 01:29
What did Anne Boleyn's mother say when her daughter said that she had fallen in love with Henry the VIII and was going to marry him?
- That man's not worth losing your head over. ;)

Haha! Że tak powiem dosadnie! XD

01-18-2012, 23:53
"Last week a grain of sand got into my wife's eye and she had to go to a doctor. It cost me £ 50!"

"That's nothing! Last month a fur coat got into my wife's eye and it cost me £ 2,500..."

01-19-2012, 14:43
[QUOTE=marti;92719]South Park jest rewelacyjny!! :D[/QUOTE

Dla fanów South Park,kilka cytatów bezsprzecznie wspaniałych żartów Erica Cartmana:

Kenny's family is so poor that yesterday, they had to put their cardboard box up for a second mortgage.

Kenny's family is so poor when I saw them carrying boxs down the road and asked what they were doing, they said "renavating"

Kenny's family is so poor they eat cereal with a fork to save milk.

Kenny's family is so poor, there TV got 2 channels: ON and OFF.

Kenny's family is so poor, Cartman came over for dinner, saw 3 beans on the table, took one and they said "Don't be greedy."

01-19-2012, 19:55
After being away on business for a week before Christmas, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.

"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.
She showed him a bottle costing $50.

"That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.
"Thats still quite a bit," Tom groused.
Growing disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.
Tom grew agitated, "What I mean," he said, "is I'd like to see something real cheap."

So the clerk handed him a mirror!


01-22-2012, 02:34
"I am lovely in a fluffy moist kind of way and who would have it otherwise? I walk, and let’s be splendid about this, in a highly accented cloud of gorgeousness that isn’t far short of being, quite simply terrific. The secret of smooth almost shiny loveliness, of the order of which we are discussing, in this simple, frank, creamy sort of way, doesn’t reside in oils, unguents, balms, ointments, creams, astringents, milks, moisturisers, liniments, lubricants, embrocations or balsams, to be rather divine for just one noble moment, it resides, and I mean this in a pink slightly special way, in ones attitude of mind. To be gorgeous, and high and true and fine and fluffy and moist and sticky and lovely, all you have to do is believe that one is gorgeous and high and true and fine and fluffy and moist and sticky and lovely. And I believe it of myself, tremulously at first and then with rousing heat and passion, because, stopping off for a second to be super again, I’m so often told. That’s the secret really.”
by Stephen Fry - miłość mego życia, niestety wyłącznie platoniczna... i taka pozostanie - co można wywnioskować z cytatu ;D

02-19-2012, 19:04
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 8 9 :D

02-19-2012, 20:43
Why were the early middle ages of history called the dark ages?
Because there were so many (k)nights.

02-19-2012, 22:16
- What is the difference between a bird and a fly?
- A bird can fly but a fly can't bird.

- What is the difference between a mosquito and a fly?
- A fly can fly but a mosquito can't mosquito.

02-20-2012, 07:50
OK, so there was Horatio Nelson - British greatest admiral. Before each seabattle he put on red shirt becouse he didn't want to see own blood. And here's a joke.

The Britih fleet is sailing the Atlantic Ocean and suddenly the sailor sitting in crow's nest shouts:"Sir, enemy ship on the horizon!!! Nelson orders:Bring me my red shirt.
A few moments later the observer shouts: Sir, enemy squadron on the horizion!!! And Nelson's order is: Bring me my brown trousers!

Another joke:
US Ship: Please divert your course 0.5 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

CND reply: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

US Ship: This is the Captain of a US Navy Ship. I say again, divert your course.

CND reply: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course!


CND reply: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

And somethng from air travelling:
1. A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?" Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English." Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

2.The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short- tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway." Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now." Ground (arrogantly): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944 -- but I didn't land."

02-20-2012, 13:23
A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete check-up. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left." "Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?" "Ten," the doctor says sadly. "Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" The doctor interrupts, "Nine..."

02-20-2012, 13:27
A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete check-up. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left." "Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?" "Ten," the doctor says sadly. "Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" The doctor interrupts, "Nine..."


02-25-2012, 14:08
A Jewish guy goes into a confession box. "Father O’Malley," he says, "my name is Emil Cohen. I’m seventy eight years old. Believe it or not, I’m currently involved with a 28 year old girl, and also, on the side, her 19 year old sister. We engage in all manner of pleasure, and in my entire life I’ve never felt better." "My good man," says the priest, "I think you’ve come to the wrong place. Why are you telling me?" And the guy goes: "I’m telling everybody!!!"

02-25-2012, 20:09
Who (Hu Jintao) Is the President of China
SCENE: The Oval Office. George Bush and Condolezza Rice.

George: Condi! Nice to see you! What’s happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report about the new leader of China.

świetne!! :)

Ewa Sulińska
02-25-2012, 21:39
Knock, knock
- Who's there?
-Merry who?
Merry Christmas! ;)

02-26-2012, 21:21
Yo momma's so old she knew Burger King while he was still a prince :P

02-26-2012, 22:39
"Am I the first man you have ever loved?" he said.
"Of course," she answered "Why do men always ask the same question?".

02-26-2012, 23:56
TEACHER : What is the chemical formula for water?
TEACHER : What are you talking about?
SARAH : Yesterday you said it's H to O!

02-27-2012, 14:55
An English professor wrote the words, “A woman without her man is nothing” on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.

All the men wrote: “A woman, without her man, is nothing.”

All the women wrote: “A woman: without her, man is nothing.”

02-27-2012, 15:53
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

02-27-2012, 18:15
Yo momma's so old she knew Burger King while he was still a prince :P

Dobre!:p To jest prawdziwy suchar:)

02-27-2012, 23:42
What 0 (zero) says to 8 (eight)?

I like your belt:)


-who is there?
-doctor who?
;) :)

02-28-2012, 04:08
Amerykański żołnierz przesłuchuje Araba:
- Abdulah Asaf Sarafi
- Sex?
- Yes! Five times a week.
- No, no… I mean male or female?
- Male, female, sometimes camel.
- Holy cow!
- Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general.
- But isn’t that hostile?
- Horse style, doggy style, any style!
- Oh dear!
- No, no! Deer run too fast

03-02-2012, 16:25
Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head?

Because from a distance they looked like hares! :P

03-05-2012, 21:20
Which is faster, heat or cold?
Heat, because you can catch cold.

What kind of a driver never has accidents?

03-12-2012, 00:12
- Hello, are you there?
- Yes, who are you please?
- I'm Watt.
- What's your name?
- Watt's my name.
- Yes, what's your name?
- My name is John Watt.
- John what?
- Yes, are you Jones?
- No I'm Knott.
- Will you tell me your name then?
- Will Knott.
- Why not?
- My name is Knott.
- Not what?
- Not Watt, Knott.
- What?

03-16-2012, 16:57
There was a student who was desirous of taking admission for a study course.

He was smart enough to get through the written test, a GD and was to appear for the personal interview. Later, as the interview progressed, the interviewer found this boy to be bright since he could answer all the questions correctly. The interviewer got impatient and decided to corner the boy.

"Tell me your choice;" said he to the boy, "What's your choice: I shall either ask you ten easy questions or ONE real difficult. Think well before you make up your mind."

The boy thought for a while and said, "My choice is ONE real difficult question."

"Well, good luck to you, you have made your own choice!" said the man on the opposite side. Tell me: What comes first, Day or Night?"

The boy was jolted first but he waited for a while and said: "It's the DAY, sir."

"How???????" the interviewer was smiling ("At last, I got you!" he said to himself.)

"Sorry sir, you promised me that you will not ask me a SECOND difficult question!"

Admission for the course was thus secured.

03-16-2012, 22:50
To jeszcze jeden:

Where was the Independence Declaration signed? - At the bottom.

03-17-2012, 23:24
a o to sucharek:

Najlepszy prezent dla Anglika?
Present Perfect

03-18-2012, 17:10
A young man studying in a college abroad sent this SMS to his father: Dear dad, no mon, no fun, your son.
The father replied: Dear son, too bad, so sad, your dad.

04-06-2012, 22:49
Bill Clinton, Bill Gates and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first. "Al, what do you believe in?" Al replies, "Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more Freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die." God thinks for a second and says, "Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left." God then addresses Bill Clinton: "Bill, what do you believe in?" Bill Clinton replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people's pain." God thinks for a second and says, "Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right." God then addresses Bill Gates: "Bill Gates, what do you believe in?" Bill Gates says, "I believe you're in my chair."

05-06-2012, 12:49
Kawał z długą brodą, ale dalej fajny.

What are the three fastest ways of communication? Telephone, telegraph, tell a woman.

05-07-2012, 01:07
An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Belgian have had a car accident.
The Englishman leaves his vehicle and says: I'm sorry.
The Frenchman does the same and says: I'm sorry too.
Then, the Belgian joins them and says: I'm sorry three.

05-07-2012, 21:36
"I'll have to report you, sir," said the traffic cop to the speeding driver. "You were doing 85 miles an hour." "Nonsense, officer," declared the driver. "I've only been in the car for ten minutes."

05-07-2012, 22:52
A minister gave a talk to the Lions Club on sex. When he got home, he couldn't tell his wife that he had spoken about sex, so he said he had discussed horseback riding with the members. A few days later, she ran into some men at the shopping center and they complimented her on the speech her husband had made. She said, "Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the subject matter, as he's only tried it twice. The first time he got so sore he could hardly walk, and the second time he fell off." ;)

05-09-2012, 19:04
What's the difference between a tennis ball and the prince of Wale's?

One is heir to the throne and the other is thrown into the air.


05-10-2012, 03:11
Trochę moich osobistych favów (ostrzegam, że mam dość cięzkie poczucie humoru)

What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown?
Does this taste funny to you?

How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.

What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A pool table.

What has four legs and one arm?
A happy pit bull.

05-19-2012, 23:36
(Usłyszane ostatnio od współlokatorki. Z góry przepraszam za słownictwo, ale każdy eufemizm zabije komizm tego dowcipu.)

At one time, Sisyphus and Oedipus got together.
Oedipus: Hello, rolling stone!
Sisyphus: Hello, mother-fucker! :p

05-20-2012, 11:21
Billy`s homework assignment is to think of a true story with a moral so he goes home and thinks about it all night and finally has one.

The following day, Suzy raises her hand first and says, `My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road.`

The teacher asks for the moral to the story. Suzy replies, `Don`t put all your eggs in one basket.`

Next is Lucy. `Well, my dad owns a farm, too, and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched. The moral is, don`t count your chicks before they are hatched.`

Billy is last to speak. He says, `My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam War. His plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed, with only a parachute, a bottle of bourbon, a machine gun, and a machete. As he floated down he drank the bottle of bourbon. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 North Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade broke on his machete, so he killed the last 10 with his bare hands.`

The teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story.

Billy replies, `Don`t f**k with my Uncle Ted when he`s been drinking.`

05-20-2012, 11:24
Może właśnie dlatego wygrywam w karty?!
A smart blonde, a stupid blonde and Santa Claus play poker, who wins? The stupid blonde because the other two don`t exist.

05-23-2012, 18:40
Ten nabiera sensu, gdz się go przeczyta na głos:

"Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head? Because from a distance they looked like hares!"

hares – zające (brzmi podobnie do hairs – włosy)

05-23-2012, 20:26
The doctor to the patient: 'You are very sick'
The patient to the doctor: 'Can I get a second opinion?'
The doctor again: 'Yes, you are very ugly too...'

miłego dnia:)

05-24-2012, 20:45
A to taki żart na nadchodzący weekend: One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BAS**RD!!!!" ;)